If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
