Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
