It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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