apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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