I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
