Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
