I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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