So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
