Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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