so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
