at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
