we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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