He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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