Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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