Where is the hickey?
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
if only i could text you this smell
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
