I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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