And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
