i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
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