You're completely useless in the revolution.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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