Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
