We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
