Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
