You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
