This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
