i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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