"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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