My liver just broke up with me...
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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