just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
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