okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
