Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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