I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Randomize
