Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
