17 year olds will be the death of me.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize