Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
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