I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
