I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
