I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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