I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
