I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize
