I love black thongs
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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