I want to make a zoo with you.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize