Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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