your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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