I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
