yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize