someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
