LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize