shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
