oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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