You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
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