I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Randomize