Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
