New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
