So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
