I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
