just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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