I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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