My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
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