I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
