Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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