dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
