i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
