Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
