when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Dignity is for republicans.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
