you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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