Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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