I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
my god I love twenty year old dicks
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize