just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
