just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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